I’m not who I was before.
On that day back in April of 2011… On that drive home from the doctor’s office…. through the anger and tears of hearing “your son is on the Autism Spectrum” something deep inside me changed. I felt it, but didn’t fully understand it. I knew our life was forever different and that changed me. Of course I was angry and sad at the cards dealt our son, but up bubbled a protective and a not-going-to-care-about-little-stuff-anymore “different”. I started to have no tolerance for people who weren’t on board with his diagnosis and what our lives had become. If you aren’t going to be a positive person in his life, then Bye Bye. We just don’t have the time or energy for it anymore. Have I become hardened? Maybe….. But when I see a parent struggling in a store with a child having a temper-tantrum or meltdown, I smile at them, or pat them on the shoulder instead of glaring or rolling my eyes. I’m different now….
I have said it before on this blog, and I will say it again… Autism affects every part of our lives. So how could I stay the same??? Some people who know me might not think I’m so different. But I assure you my view of the world around me is very different. The way I move through that world is different. My goals, my hopes, my dreams… all different. I know that I have a bigger fight in me then I ever knew before. And even though I have always been very protective of the ones I love, that fire burns even brighter now. I laugh at some of the things that use to make me mad. Such pettiness. I mostly roll my eyes at that stuff now.
For good… for bad, I have changed. I’m ok with who I am now. I actually think I’m a better person then I was before. I’m stronger. I trust my gut much more. I watch the little victories happen and they are fantastic! Do I think I would have noticed them before? Probably not. I want to help/support others dealing with Autism. I want to make sure that the people who work with my sons understand how much I appreciate them. I take their advice to heart. Before I might have thought they where criticizing my parenting skills. I will not suffer fools anymore. They can go be fools somewhere else and take their drama with them. I do love my silly, funny, loving friends and family for supporting us. Their love is even more precious. I don’t stress out about having things perfect: Perfect Holidays, Perfect Dinners Out, Perfect Family Outings, Perfect House, so not happening and so not important. What is important… my boys world. Are they happy? Are they learning? Are they well? If the answer is yes, then that is perfect. The one thing that hasn’t changed…. my love for them. ❤
(also the channel on the TV.. it’s always on Disney Jr…. sigh)