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Got Guilt?

October 11, 2013

guilt

I love Facebook for many reasons, but one of the biggest is the Autism community that I find on there.  Some very passionate, some very funny, some very mushy….. but all just wanting to help, support and give some kind of comfort.  The other day one of the pages I follow asked a question about guilt.  She asked if we had guilt over our children having Autism and what we do to deal with it.  So I stopped for a moment and really thought about that.  My answer?  No.  No I don’t have guilt about my son being on the Autism Spectrum.  I completely believe that it’s genetics.  I’m no more guilty about the Autism then his blond hair or hazel eyes.  He inhered this.  His father hears stories (over and over and over) of his childhood “antics” that are no different then what our son does today.  And He was certainly *blessed* with my AD/HD.  So with that being said, I have guilt about other things in regard to his Autism Spectrum Disorder………..

guilt-trip

My guilt stems from not listening to my gut.  Not listening to that tiny voice in my head telling me that something was not “normal” with him when he was about 16 months old.  I listened to people tell me that everything was fine.  He was just an active boy.  He would speak when he was ready.  He was just like his father.  He was fine because he made eye contact and was loving.  He was ok because he could count to 20 at such a young age so it means he’s super smart.  He was just strong-willed that is why his “temper tantrums” where so bad.  I just needed to let him go outside and play more.  I needed to get him around other children and he’d be just fine.  Most of this was kind-hearted advice.  And most of this could have been true for another child…. just not mine.  I knew something was amiss.  I just didn’t want there to be something wrong.  So I turned a deaf ear on my own inner voice.  That is what makes me feel guilty.  And I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself for it.  No pity party for me, ( I can’t stand pity/victim/sad sack) … it’s just the truth.  I feel like I failed him when he was so little.  I wish I would have listened and acted.  I wish I would have screamed that I wanted him tested (although I’m not sure who I would have screamed that at….)  I wish I would have been able to get him some early intervention.  I can’t change it, I know.  I can only learn from it, which I did.  My youngest son is now in early intervention and the results have been amazing.  I am trilled!  At the same time I wonder what could have been for my older son if only I would have known. Now the question is, what to I do with this guilt????

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I have become a Warrior Mom.  I turned that gut wrenching guilt into my fire . I am their advocate.  I am their Joan of Arc.  I will fight what ever Dragons are put in my way to get them the services they need.  By sheer will even.  And you know.. It’s worked wonders.  I won’t let anyone push me around when it comes to either boy.  If I want testing.. I demand it.  If I want changed plans… I call, email, text and if I don’t like what I hear, I will call a meeting.  If I feel something isn’t right, I correct it immediately.  I know no one else will do it for me or for them.  It’s my job.  It’s my calling now.  I knighted myself!  My older son has come a long way.  He’s in the best program with great teachers.  My youngest son is catching up on his milestones and is on the edge of a diagnosis.  They both are my pride and joy.  They are my heart.  And they will always know that I would move mountains for them.

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So I will say:  Thank you Guilt!  Yes!  THANK YOU!

Because without you I’m not sure I would have picked up that sword and fought.  Now can someone get me a pretty Warrior Crown?  I think it would be awesome to wear to the next IEP meeting…..

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