Happy Birthday, my tiny tornado

My oldest son just celebrated his 5th birthday.  I can’t believe how fast 5 years can fly by.  I remember waking up the day he was born and thinking, life as we know will change forever!  As we drove to the hospital I was almost to the point of tears from happiness, excitement, love and yes a bit of fear.  Once I laid eyes on him my heart was his.  I looked down on this perfect little baby with all 10 fingers and 10 toes and thought… I will do everything I can to make you a happy child!  I wasn’t sure what that would entail, but I would do it!

His first birthday we pulled out all the stops and threw a huge birthday party.  It was tiring… and he being only 1…. wasn’t much impressed.  Also, looking back I could see the was a bit overwhelmed.  If only I knew then what I know now.  We decided that we wouldn’t do that kind of party again.  So the next year we had a much smaller “come if you would like” pizza party.  Much better… but still he was overwhelmed.  So for number 3 and 4.. we only had a handful of people join us for pizza… that was the way to go! He still didn’t get the fact that it was his birthday, that it was his special day… he just thought, Hey I get presents and pizza and get to play some games.  This year turning 5, having been in school with other’s that had birthday’s he knew it was something special.  He was gearing up for his special day.

No way we could do a party.  His behavior has been regressing for some weeks. He would be out of control for days if we tried to have a party.  It’s hard to explain to people who don’t have to deal with or see it everyday.  Some think we are hermits hiding in our house, or that we are lazy because we don’t do things like everyone else.  To be very honest, I have a lot of guilt that I can’t do huge parties for my son.  I get upset that we can’t go to the Chuck E Cheese birthday parties others throw.  And I cried to my husband that we couldn’t take our son to Disneyland for his 5 birthday because there was no way he could handle it.   In a calm  moment of clarity my husband took my hand and said… “He doesn’t care about those things honey.  He is just as happy to play in the back yard!”  My husband was absolutely right.  So we took him to the zoo with just us.  He loved it.  Then we had a small get together one night with one side of the family then another small get together with the other side.  On the final night of this 3 day birthday, he told us he had the best birthday ever.  That felt nice.  He doesn’t need huge parties… he doesn’t need  Disneyland… He needs something calm and safe.    I’m still mad at autism for making even his birthday something we have worry, stress, and beat ourselves up over.  This year, I take away the lesson “He doesn’t care about those things”… so I shouldn’t either!  Happy Birthday my tiny tornado.  I love you all the galaxies in the universe.  ❤