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Letting go

March 29, 2013

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There is so much this world of Autism has taught me.  One of the biggest ones is letting go.  I’m such a huge control freak that this has been the hardest lesson of them all.  I can’t control anything it seems.  I can’t control what school he’s going too.. down to what socks he’s going too wear.  Sigh… it almost brings me to the point of a meltdown.  When I was told he couldn’t go to the school he was accepted too, due to his Autism, I wanted to FORCE them to take him.  How could they tell me, tell him no???  That just wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t in our plans for him.  Now that I’m a few weeks out from that experience and not *as* enraged, I have had to stand back and take a look.  Is this the best for him?  What am I doing?  Am I making this more about what I want for him or what he needs?  Let… it… go… the universe is whispering… Let it go….

Life-is-a-balance-of-holding-on-and-letting-go.

That in no way means that we have thrown our hands up in the air and yelled “Oh well, what can ya do?”  Never.  What it means:   We can’t have things set in stone.  We have to keep our minds open to everything.  I will still fight for what I think he needs.  I will still make calls, and check and push and ask questions.  But things have to be fluid.  It’s like nailing down water.  I’m having to learn how to deal with that.   It’s almost scary.

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So at a school district meeting we attended (to learn about the new programs the district is starting) we had the opportunity to speak with the assistant superintendent.  He is in charge of the entire special education department.  He was very nice and sat and talked with us for a good amount of time.  He had already heard about our issues and there had been a number of emails and calls going around.   Good I thought!  And as we talked and discussed our situation it really became clear that I had to put my son in our neighborhood school so he can receive the services he needs. I had to listen to what they had in mind.  He told us.. “the magnet school isn’t ready for your son.”  You know, I can accept that.  They aren’t ready for him!  Yes!  In  a few years they will be.  And then we can revisit if we want him to go there.  I took a deep breath that might have been audible to everyone ( but who cares) and I let go of my idea of him going to that other school.  It was hard, and I hated it.  But once I did, once I excepted that I can’t force things… It was a bit of a relief too.  He’s so smart that he will do fine in any school with the right help.

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Now if I can just let go of his sock choices…………..

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3 Comments
  1. Kevin McHugh permalink

    You are so right to have the courage to sometimes let go. I love your saying that “you can’t nail down water” So true. You have my total support. Love Papa.
    P.S. let me take him for shopping for socks.

  2. Letting go is one of the hardest things ever – especially when it’s something you wanted with all your heart. But it sounds like they really weren’t ready for him. It’s not his fault, they just have more growing to do.

    You did good mama, and your son is very lucky to have someone as dedicated as his parents are on his side.

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